|
Spring is Here!... in Northern Maine
Today's Saying: Our spiritual journey begins with reliance on others to mediate truth for us. We are like children nursing. This provides a foundation from which to grow into the Truth as it reveals Itself to us apart from such mediation. We need to taste the truth for ourselves, from within the witness of our hearts. We will still learn from others, but we will not substitute anyone or any group for the Light within.
* * *
I was raised in the Church. We lived about a half-mile away from a little sanctuary, were present twice on Sundays, each Wednesday night, every night of week-long revivals, and a week yearly of Vacation Bible School. Bibles always in hand, and do not dare talk during worship. Be quiet, listen, be a good boy. I would look outside to see our dog lying down, waiting for worship to end and return home with us. One of my earliest memories is my mom placing me on the wood pew so her little boy - too young to be expected to remain awake - could sleep through the worship meeting.
The church was part of the air my family breathed, as natural and everyday as breathing the scent of cattle and swine that populated our farm or the smell of the dusty country roads weaving through our south Georgia community called Handtown - the Hand clan once was the most prominent family in the area. Christianity was the one true way; we Christians were going to heaven, everyone else to hell except babies and children.
I was a preacher age 15, a pastor age 16, ordained age 24, a religion professor age 29 - after receiving a Master's and Philosophy Doctorate. I missed being the youngest by weeks of those granted a Ph.D. by the seminary. I was set for life, was married to my best friend, and was living in a home we owned - our first after years of renting - yes, set for life, so I thought.
I left the college by my choice, but at the kind and veiled encouragements of the dean for the religious fundamentalists were pressing to get me fired. I was a liberal to them. I gave notice a year before leaving and left without a job or income. I had been at the college for 6 years teaching. I would miss that role for many more years. I much enjoyed working with students, seeing those eyes light up with the thirst for knowledge. I was, however, weary of the denominational infighting over the Bible, the blaming, the betrayals, the meanness, all in the name of Jesus... all that had been par for the sect I had been part of since birth.
After working part-time at a nursery, I returned to serve as a pastor in another sect while attending Medical School. Then, the dream.
THE LONG GOODBYE
dream
she - then my wife - i - young preacher in my mid-30s
white frame little church
steps up the front sides, going high steep, left and right
she and i
walking down, walking away
everyone else walking up, walking to and into
this dream, this walking 30 years ago
did not know then
already leaving, leaving away
did not know then
how many years, decades
i would be walking the same steps alone
(she left me, and it long before)
did not know then
i was already leaving, had been
did not know then
a 'goodbye' can take a lifetime or more to say
did not know then
how life is like a bird that flies
from a branch always
moving somewhere else
did not know then
how life like wet paint colors
always merges into
something else
did not know then
how life like candle wax flows from
flame to flame
i did not know then
how much you would hurt me
the wounds I would bear, maybe for life
i did not know then, in my innocence, so much
i now know
about how fidelity can take your life from you
leave you dead long before you die
and those you loved will not care
before i finally could hold on no longer
i love you, always will
sometimes miss you
but should have walked down those steps, away
before you finally said you don't fit
when first vowed to you
i did not know then
one of the conditions was fitting in
thought not fitting in was the way, honest way
admired Jesus, since a little boy, for not fitting in
and that inspired me to seek truth
regardless of the pain it brought into my life
afterward, that day
(i remember it like just yesterday)
standing by the peace river, wondering
what now?
my friend, she standing with me, to comfort
she had no answer, nor i
i could not see then
can now
the parting, so painful, such a gift
lost to you to find myself, my way, Love of life
so, i guess it's good to say,
thank you
i am lost to you
the gifts i could have given you, no more
need i say i forgive you
'God' can...
sincerely,
your grateful heretic child
* * *
To awaken to our sole reliance on truth and its authority, many of us have to suffer a painful disillusionment about persons and institutions claiming authority to mediate truth for us. Such dependence will be left behind to give oneself wholly to the Light within. This Light is not the natural light of reason, but it is not unnatural; this Light is the Spirit within. May the Spirit of truth arrive within you... us all!
"When the Spirit of truth arrives, she will lead you into all truth, ..."
*Gospel of John 16.13
* * *
*© Brian K. Wilcox, 2021
*Brian's book, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major online booksellers or the publisher AuthorHouse. The book is a collection of poems based on wisdom traditions, predominantly Christian, Buddhist, and Sufi, with extensive notes on the poetry's teachings and imagery.
|
